


i felt my life lose meaning (i'll never be whole again)

by awesomems



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Captain America: The First Avenger, Character Death, Depression, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jewish Bucky Barnes, Jewish Steve Rogers, M/M, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:14:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24915199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awesomems/pseuds/awesomems
Summary: steve wants to avenge bucky, to make sure his death is not in vain, but at the same time all he wants is to join bucky in the dirt.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Peggy Carter & Steve Rogers
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19





	i felt my life lose meaning (i'll never be whole again)

**Author's Note:**

> _another_ steve-misses-bucky fic? not surprising really. i wrote this in like an hour because i remembered the lines from the original script draft of tfa, and only lightly proofread it, so let me know if there are mistakes. there are also explanations of some concepts for the non-jews reading in the end notes. 
> 
> title from "my sickness unto you" by trivium

“it wasn’t your fault,” peggy says, when she finds steve busy trying to dull his pain with alcohol, to no avail. 

“did you read the report?”

“yes.”

“then you know that’s not true.” the hole in his heart is getting wider by the minute and he can’t  _ breathe _ . it isn’t just the sight of bucky ( _ his best friend his heart the loveofhislife―) _ falling to his death that keeps replaying in steve’s head, but the days leading up to it. what would he have done differently now knowing that day would be bucky’s last?

“you did everything you could ―”

“i got in over my head. bucky waded in and pulled me out, just like he  _ always did _ . and the one time he needed me to return the favor, i couldn’t.” 

“i really doubt it’s that simple.”

“all i had to do was hold him.” there’s an almost-silence, filled only with the sounds of steve’s somewhat-labored breathing caused by his holding back tears and the distant noise of war. 

“did you believe in your friend? did you respect him?” something inside him cringes at peggy calling bucky a friend, especially since he knows she knows something about the true nature of their relationship, but he nods, knowing she means well. “then stop blaming yourself. allow barnes the dignity of his choice. he damn well must have thought you were worth it.” 

“i’m going after schmidt. i’m not gonna stop until all of hydra is dead or captured.” he says this and he means it. he wants to avenge bucky, to make sure his death is not in vain, but at the same time all he wants is to join bucky in the dirt, or maybe gan eden. (although, if he’s being honest, it’s a reach to assume steve would end up in the same place as bucky. bucky’s only sin was loving steve.) 

it’s a whole six days before he gives in, which is surprising. it’s cold, but steve welcomes it, it not even coming close to the pain of those days. he whispers,  _ shema yisrael, adonai eloheinu, adonai echad _ , the only prayer he ever memorised, when everything goes black. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> [gan eden](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Garden_of_Eden#Jewish_eschatology) is the place where righteous souls go after death. it's worth noting that this is only one idea of the afterlife in judaism, as there's obviously no answer, and jews don't believe in heaven/hell the way christians do.
> 
> [shema](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shema_Yisrael) is the central prayer in judaism, traditionally said as last words.
> 
> kudos and comments are appreciated!


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